She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
