All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
