Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
