Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
