I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
