when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
