Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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