Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
