when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
