for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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