i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
