If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
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My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
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Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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