Porn is love you can see.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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