I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
