nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
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so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
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I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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