God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you will always have a special place in my vag
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
