it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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