Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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