the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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