I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
