My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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