Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
