I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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