i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize