see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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