don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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