I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
