We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
