I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
