Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
