Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
