Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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