You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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