fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I did not marry a roomba.
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