Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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