Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
