Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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