EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
