I cannot find my penis.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
