If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
