just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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