The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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