It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
