he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
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I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
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I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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