White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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