I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
