I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
