If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
