He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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