: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Randomize
