i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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