Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
we're so committed to being not committed
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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