my vag is so smooth its legendary
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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