You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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