the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
