I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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