i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
