How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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