she woke up with a sticky ear
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
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i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
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I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?