If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Never let your siblings swipe right.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"