1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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