as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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